When someone encounters Jesus, everything changes. It can be difficult to explain this to other people, especially if they don’t come from a church background, and this can sometimes lead to testimonies which underemphasise things which we fear unbelievers might be put off by. However, there is benefit to ourselves and to others when we rehearse what the Lord God has done in our lives with the details intact and within a doctrinal framework. Mrs Goodal, a Covenanter, wrote down her conversion experience in the form of a signed statement that she had totally committed herself to the Lord Jesus. She recalls her initial disinterest in Him, then her growing realisation of her need of Him, and then how His Word became the basis of her faith and hope, while praising Him in very specific ways for His gracious and glorious work of redemption. In the following updated extract, naming not only some of the Christians who had given her advice, but also the places and dates which stood out in her experience, she remembers her first love.

Where I started

Here, I declare, I do believe my lost estate in Adam. I find myself so polluted in my miserable condition, wherein I find myself all over, in my understanding, and will, and affections, in a state of estrangedness from God. His holy law, which is given to me to be my rule to walk by is my judge — I cannot obey it. I am summoned to the bar of God’s justice, and there I stand sentenced and condemned by God and my own conscience.

This did not appear to me so dangerous a state as indeed it was (though I was born and brought up in the place where I had occasion to have the benefit of the preaching of the gospel in power and purity), until the year 1677, when the Lord revealed my lost state to me.

Then I saw nothing but wrath and displeasure from the Lord, and that which I thought would have (as I thought) given me relief, only increased my sorrow. I found no comfort in the use of any means, either public or private. When I went to the Lord to seek relief, I did not dare say anything but, “Lost, lost! If only there was mercy for a hypocrite!” Tossed about like this, I thought I was a reprobate, destined to damnation, so that I did not need to seek salvation through Jesus Christ, for there was no mercy for me (though I knew He had abundance of mercy for all the sins of the elect).

A pastor’s advice

I continued in this situation for more than a quarter of a year. It came to the point that, after a month, I could not endure it. I went to a minister, and told him my sad condition with a heavy heart (it was Mr Archibald Hamilton, minister of Ardmagh in Ireland). He instructed me, and told me what course I should take, and gave good ground from the Word of God that I, finding myself a lost sinner, had a right to lay hold of Jesus Christ, and that purchased redemption which He had provided for sinners, for He came to seek and to save that which was lost.

However, what he thought would yield me comfort, only aggravated my trouble, for I thought it did not belong to me. When he saw that nothing could prevail, he gave me the advice to begin at the Psalms of David, and read from there to the Revelation, and he assured me that before I had done, I would find ground of hope, for the Spirit of God works with the Word.

Finding the saving love of Jesus in the Bible

I took his advice. I began at the Psalms. I read with grief and torment, because I didn’t dare apply the promise. I was destitute of any sense of comfort, from any quarter, till the 15th of June 1677, a day never to be forgotten.

I was reading in Isaiah, the 54th chapter. When I began, my heart warmed, and when I read verse 4, I found it was to me, and when I read verse 5, “Thy Maker is thy husband, and thy redeemer the Holy One of Israel …” and verse 6, “For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit …” and verse 7, “For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer,” and verse 9, “… I have sworn that I would not be wroth with thee …”, and verse 10, “For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee,” this Scripture swallowed me up.

I did not know what to do! It answered all my objections! It took away all my fear! I was not able to bear the weight of love that the Lord manifested to me. O! The height! O! The depth! O! The length, and the breadth, of that eternal love with which He loved His own before the world was!

I embraced Jesus Christ for my Saviour on His own terms, to be my king, priest, and prophet. I gave myself away to Him to be His for ever.

What changed in my life

I found a tangible change. I mourned over my sins, because Christ laid down His life for me, and then that Scripture was made out to me, “They shall look upon me whom they have pierced, and they shall mourn for him, as one that mourneth for his only son” (Zech. 12:10). O! Love that laid down His life for me!

Faith and love

I have no ground to fear or doubt, for He has sealed me with the Spirit of promise. I do believe that the Spirit, speaking with the Word, is as sure a way, and is as certainly the Lord’s way of dealing with His people under the gospel, as was His speaking to Moses and giving Him the law on Mount Sinai.

O! Blessed law-maker, He set it before me to let me see my lost estate. O! Blessed law-keeper, He has paid the debt, and answered all that justice can seek or require of me. He has sent me to the law to be my rule — the law sends me to Christ to make use of Him. O! Blessed Jesus, He has taken away the curse of the law. O! Sweet law, it’s the joy of my heart, for it lets me see I have continual need to make use of Christ.

After this discovery of the Lord’s love to me, I lived under the impression of the love of Christ. His ordinances were sweet, I sat down under His shadow, and His fruit was sweet to my taste.

I must make use of three communion days where the Lord met me in Scotland. The first was at East Nisbet, in the year 1678, in the spring of the year. Another at Carrick, 4th August 1678. The third, in the south, at Cherrietrees. They were in the fields, in the time of sad persecution. I set them down, to keep in mind what confirming days they were to me. He made His love known to me, and He drew my heart after Him in covenant transactions with Him. Tongue cannot express it; it is better felt than it can be expressed.

This is how I lived, without the least questioning of His love (though I knew His comings and goings). He gave me full submission to be disposed at His pleasure, for He said, “I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.” So I stand under the sense of my obligation to Him who has purchased this freedom for me.

Why I’ve written this down

Recently something of a check has risen in my heart, by reason of a strong temptation (which I cannot write down) that Satan presented to my thought, which struck at the foundation of my comfort. O! the depths of Satan’s subtlety, and our depraved nature that he has to work on! But blessed be God who doesn’t let Satan get the victory.

When I was in that difficulty, I encountered a merciful dispensation of the Lord, on the 9th–10th January 1686, when I heard a minister (Mr James Kirkton, in Rotterdam in Holland) speak on the sweet subject of Christ and of covenanting with the Lord. He spoke of three ways of covenanting — by the thoughts of the heart, by word of mouth, and by subscribing to the Lord with the hand.

I had done the first two, but I had not done the third. This made me sit and write an account of the Lord’s dealing with me. To show how much I am obliged to Him, I here, with my whole heart, and with my whole soul, take Christ to be my Savour, on His own terms, and I give myself away to Him, to be His for ever. In testimony of this, I subscribe in my own hand to the Lord.

24 January 1686

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